DeAna never used her crib when she had colic because she had to be fed and rocked constantly to find any comfort. Shared sleep was banned at St. Agnes for obvious reason, before the known risk of SIDS was known, there was the reasons of a baby falling out of bed. They'd previously had an incident where a baby rolled from a bed and whose little face was burned badly on a floor heater.
Every night I'd try hard to put my daughter to bed in her crib. We had a whole routine. I'd bathe her, give her an infant massage, read her a few books, and feed her. When she was sleepy I'd lay her in the crib. She'd instantly wake up and cry. Staff would come in and I'd still be trying to get her settled hours later. The other moms would be gathered in the TV room, watching television and hanging out on the phones. I would be in my room with my baby. Sometimes some of my girlfriends would come sit in my room with me but mostly I was socially isolated.
Wee into the late hours of the night I'd be nursing her and of course, pass out exhausted with her in my arms. The night staff, one woman, who was generally a stickler for rules, would shine the flash late in my face and tell me to get up and put her in the crib. ( Think Whoopi Goldberg in Girl , Interrupted) This happened every night and every night she said " I am going to write you up."
After weeks of this, she was pretty mad at me. One night I looked and her and said " That's fine, tomorrow night when you come on, I am taking my baby downstairs and we are going to sit with you for the night." Babies were not to be downstairs after a certain hour. The next night I did just that. She was shocked at how hard my night with my baby were. She was, as I said, a very strict staff and a lot of girls flat out hated her. After that night we had a bond and she became my favorite staff in the place. I'd occasionally call her when we finally left St. Agnes just to check in.
The worst experience when it came to Deana's sleeping and rules happened when she was old enough to stand up in her crib. I was told it was time to let her start crying it out at night. They made me put her in the crib and stand outside the door. They stood with me, she cried, I cried.
A mother knows her child's cries. DeAna's wail went from one of unhappiness to one of pain. I told the staff something was wrong and they wouldn't let me go in. They told me she was just crying because she was spoiled and eventually she'd go to sleep. They said go downstairs, they listen to her until she was quiet, check on her and come get me. Of course I couldn't enjoy my alone time because I knew this was the worst thing possible. Yet there was always a fine line I couldn't cross. If I didn't do as I was told, the Department of Children and Families could be called and I'd risk the removal of her completely.
When I later went in, she was asleep. A small lamp was tipped over on the dresser. I stood the lamp up and switched it off. Then went to sleep myself. Of course she woke up soon after wanting to nurse anyway. It wasn't until the next morning when we woke up, a mother's worst nightmare was discovered. She'd managed to touch the hot light bulb of the lamp from her crib that night of crying it out and burned her little hand. It was blistered and bad.
I showed the staff, they didn't say or do much. I was beyond upset. The whole reason I didn't want her alone the room while awake was because things like that can happen. Babies and small children can get hurt in just a few minutes of being unsupervised. Not to mention how abandoned a baby must feel when left alone in their crib to cry with no one there to comfort them. Their needs ignored by their parents. What a pattern it sets up for them later in life.
Because I was a young mother, and because I was a mother living in an institution, my rights to raise my child my way were gone and being that powerless is an experience most people will never face thank goodness but that was difficult to do in a positive way and I had no choice but to.
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