Spiral

I took a hard fall emotionally. Within weeks of finding out I was pregnant I again, I quit my second job at Red Lobster. I stayed on at Tacobell but every shift I worked was a struggle. My new baby's dad quit and was living a few town away with his new girlfriend. That had happened very quick for me. I don't know if my reactions would have been so strong if it weren't for the pregnancy surges through my body but I was a wreck. The crew I worked with stayed in touch with him and would tell me what was going on with him even when i didn't want to hear it. Then I'd be left standing behind the counter swallowing back tears. Once, I'd unknowingly served the new girlfriend and then was told by co-workers who it'd been. She'd wanted to see who i was. I was shattered.

I did what i did best and threw myself full force into motherhood. I put my full focus on my daughter. When I had alone moments I cried. He called me, he showed up. He came to the doctor appointments with me and we had lunch together afterwards. I always stayed hopeful he'd have a change of heart. Sometimes we'd part and I felt in my heart it was a matter of time. I knew I had hurt him bad and deserved not to have him in my life but that didn't make it easy.

Two of my middle school/high school friends became pregnant around the same time as me. One before me, Stephanie and one after me, Caryl. All of us had also worked at Tacobell together at one point. Having two friends I was close to, to go thru pregnancy with, made me feel less alone.

Stephanie was still in High School and most days DeAna and I would be waiting at her mother's house for her to get home. Stephanie and her baby's father were still together and building a life together. Sometimes I felt like the third wheel but we still did things together. One thing we did a lot fo together was eat. Stephanie came home everyday straved, she ate alot of apples and bagels. I remember that well. Eventually she and her high school boyfriend got their own apartment and we ate all the time their too.
We both gained like crazy in our pregnancies.

My parent aids and parent educators were great supports. Emotionally, I had a hard time getting over my first real boyfriend. My heartbreak was awful and when the depression didn't pass, I called for counseling. The woman I saw would change my life and not in a good way. This woman would try to push me further in my fall and lead me to distrust a system I had put faith into until that point.